Woe Woe Woe and Boo Hoo

TRAUMATIZED, PEEPS, BEACHY MIMI IS TRAUMATIZED!!!!

If I weren't high on dental drugs I probably wouldn't tell all this...hang on. This could get long and painful (as in boring).

I did not sleep because of the THROBBING MOUTH. Even with the drugs. They just kept me awake. When Beachy Mimi does not get sleep...she is Miserable. When BM is Miserable...things don't flow smoothly in this house.

Since I had No Sleep, I called the Parental Unit at the crack of dawn to see if she wanted to go eat breakfast at IHOP and run errands. PU LOVES IHOP. LOVES.

PU's Sunday School class (they call themselves "The Pairs and Spares") eat there together at least once a month with the preacher. He pretends to listen to their suggestions. But that is a whole other story. This is all about Me.

I got up, showered, fixed my hair and put on Makeup. Yes, I truly did. It has been so long since I have worn Makeup...I had a Baseline at my jaw. Tacky.

I go to the closet. I got some jeans out, the same size I always wear, and they WOULDN'T ZIP OR BUTTON. I pulled. I tugged. I lay on the bed and sucked in as hard as I could. Nope. Nada. No Zippo.

I was So Upset I refused to take them off ( I totally blame the drugs). So I got a big fat RUBBER BAND and ran it around the button, through the button hole and looped it back around the button for closure. Am I Classy? What was I thinking? Have I just lost it? A RUBBER BAND at the button hole? I was just so pi**** uh upset they wouldn't fit.

So like a hillbilly I WORE THEM THAT WAY ALL DAY. What was I trying to prove? That I am a stubborn idiot?

So, I pull on a sweater to cover up my handiwork and proceed to go to IHOP to eat breakfast. That really makes sense. I'm sure everyone could see my unzipped, rubber band STRAINING pants. I disgust myself.

PU and I ran many many errands and finally decided to get our "nose and tails" done
as the Princess used to call it (nails and toes).

Oh, I forgot to mention that I wore my new black Uggs today and that was another reason I didn't want to change out of my black jeans. Does it really matter if the jeans are black or regular blue jeans? I think not.

TOLD YOU THIS WAS LONG AND PAINFUL.

So, the nail place is a challenge on my best day. The girls are So Sweet...but Nosy. Very Nosy.

I walk in and Mary (nail tech) says, "You pants not zipped." Yep. She's right.
I hop in the chair and take off the New Black Uggs and my feet and ankles are BLACK.
As in dyed black from the shoes. Mary screams. I cuss. She scrubbs my feet until the water turns black. PU is snickering in the corner.

We eventually move to the nail desk where I start getting the third degree on my "boyfriend" that I don't have. Mary asks (again), "You live with Mama?" I remind her (again) that I live alone and have no boyfriend. She pats my hand in sympathy. I kinda cuss a little more in my head.

Mary proceeds to scold me about the state of my cuticles. What did she expect from a person with unzipped pants and black feet? She says I must dip them in hot wax.

Then she starts in about my eyebrows. They ALWAYS want to do something to my thicker (than theirs) eyebrows. I divert her to my upper lip instead. I disgust myself (again) that I have to get my lip waxed.

A total of THREE nail techs come over to discuss where to put the little cloth over the wax and just how hard they are supposed to yank it off. In Vietnamese. Rapidly. Loudly. I started to yank it myself since I have experience with the WAXING HARLOT. I'm an old pro. The girls decide who will yank and how hard and then it is over.

PU continues snickering at the nail drying table.

Next, Mary leads me to the hand wax dipper (OTHER FOR FOOT. NO USE!) and tells me to dip 3 times. Well...there is the biggest dead waxy horsefly (not housefly...HORSEFLY) already present in the wax.

I point to the fly. Mary shakes her head and says, "you dip".

I say, "There's a fly in the wax."

Mary says, "He dead. You dip."

I guess she thought that a person with rubber band fastened pants and black feet shouldn't be so picky. I decided she was right and I dipped. I may or may not have cussed a little under my breath as I did it.

We finally finished and left. PU was totally entertained the whole time. As we are getting in the car, I look up and ALL the nail techs are at the window watching us get in the car and all are talking at the same time. I guess it was a slow day.

I'm home now. Tomorrow I have to go present something to the Headmaster at the Princess' school.

None of my pants will fit over my too large self. The rubber band trick will not pass muster with her. It's already an embarassment that I'm even going to BE there.

The only sweater that fits has horizontal stripes. What was I thinking? Flat GIRLS can wear horizontal stripes, but NOT ginormous GIRLS.

I have to go shopping in the morning because I sat here all summer wearing knit and elastic and didn't realize MY CLOTHES DON'T FIT ME NOW. I am Seriously P**** Upset.

There are not many things worse than having to shop for a larger size.

This also creates a problem for my Thursday night event. But more on that later.

Did I mention that they left the wax on my lip so long it blistered? Yes. It Did.
Lovely.

I actually look worse than Oliver.

I may or may not still be cussing just a little bit.

22 comments:

Soliloquy said...

Woe is you, for sure!

I'm sorry that our entertainment came at your expense today.

Kind of.

a Tonggu Momma said...

I feel guilty for laughing... then again, I slightly deserve the laugh after the week I just had.

And - just so you know - I had to run out and purchase new pants just before we left on our trip. I had three pairs of jeans and my new black dress pants (dry clean only) that fit. I needed some washable pants I could wear at my MILs house. She is not a fan of the jeans. Or me either.

Queen B said...

Mother. You cannot wear a rubber band unless your shirt goes to your knees.

Which I know it did not.

And "you live with mama?" is the funniest thing I've heard.

Capri Kel said...

I remember doing that rubber band thingy when I was pregnant!
Of course, my maternity shirt was long.
You funny!

PaulaW said...

i am in my bedroom on one end of the house. my daughter is in her bedroom on the OTHER END of the house. she comes in here and says "are you laughing or crying?", and i said "i'm laughing so hard i'm crying". she said "what is so funny?" and i said "beachy mimi" and she took off back to her room to read you.

bless your heart (that's what we say in the south you know). i apologize for laughing at you but that is just too dang funny. i can totally see my pu sitting there laughing if it had been me in your shoes.

Michelle said...

Rolling on the floor. And only because I did the exact same thing this week---TO THE OFFICE! Oh yes. I did. I wore a long sweater though. For two long miserable months our company has been anticipating massive lay-offs. Some people lose weight under stress. Other people find it. That would be me. AAAUUGGHH. I have a job still but nothing to wear to the job. I found myself actually kind of hoping I got let go so I could just wear my flannel pajama bottoms and be comfortable. Clearly I have no pride.

kristen@nosmallthing said...

Oh my, not a good day for you, huh Meems? Well, you made a lot of people smile, if that helps.

Don't worry, I'm sure at some point we've all done the rubber band trick, and if we haven't...just wait...we will.

Good luck in the a.m. Hope you get a real nice something to wear.

Tammy said...

I am almost speechless here, BM.

I shutter to think what the little Vietnamese ladies would have to say about the Greek girls eyebrows who chooses not to wax them like they should be.

And the whole pants thing, I can relate to. My darn thyroid is who I blame. And thank God I wear pajamas (scrubs) to work in, they are very forgiving.

I sure hope those Ugg boot are WAY more comfortable than they might appear. ;-)

Pairs and spares.....*GIANT SNORT*

Nicole said...

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry while I read about your crazy day.

So of course, I laughed.

But only because I could feel your pain. Right inside my trusty elastic waistband...

Joy said...

I am so glad that I bumped into your blog... because (i am sorry) but this is the most I have laughed in a long time... and I would have given anything to have spent the day with you ... LOL

Theresa said...

We need to hang out together....or lives are the same.

Thanks for the laugh, I'm all set for the day now.

Dawn said...

Everyone has had the day you survived. And, anyone who says they haven't is lying!!!

No where to go but up, Mimi!

Hope you have a blessed day.

Fuschia said...

Okay if you haven't seen this, you MUST!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsWrY77o77o
Look on the bright side...you get to buy new clothes!

RR Mama said...

I love your stories! You seem to have the most fun on any adventure! BTW I sent you something, be on the look out for the UPS man, I hope is bald!!!

Tracy @ our Journey said...

Well...that's definitely blog worthy.
;o}~I absolutely hate when I go to put something on just to find out it has shrunk in the laundry. ;o}~lol
I haven't tried the rubber band trick though...I will definitely keep that in mind.

Karen said...

I think I'll be passing on the waxing and the Uggs now....

Alicia said...

That was long. But at least it was entertaining....for us and PU anyway. And the ladies at the "nose and tails" salon. It could have been worse, Mimi. The rubberband could have snapped.

cndymkr / jean said...

I had to walk away from the computer just so I could calm down. I lost it when you mentioned the black feet! I'm so sorry I laughed, it was rude. And now I have to go and hide my rubberbands.

PS: the cat is hysterical looking.

tam said...

Ms Beachy,
Thank you...you will never know how much I needed this. I needed to grieve and reading this made me laugh so hard that I started crying, then I cried the tears I have been holding back for the last week. Thank you.

Mari said...

I tried not to laugh. I really really did. I failed. Miserably. I'm so sorry but women you are hilarious!

I pray your lip feels better soon. And next time...longer shirt if you're going to do the rubber band thing. I'm just saying. From experience. teehee

Steph said...

Oh, I just didn't know it could keep getting worse...but it did!

You have to go to Youtube and see the comedienne who talks about getting her nails done! It will crack you up consider what you just went thru: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsWrY77o77o

Hope your weekend makes up for all you've gone thru!

Joanna said...

Ouch! On so many levels.