Woe Woe Woe and Boo Hoo

TRAUMATIZED, PEEPS, BEACHY MIMI IS TRAUMATIZED!!!!

If I weren't high on dental drugs I probably wouldn't tell all this...hang on. This could get long and painful (as in boring).

I did not sleep because of the THROBBING MOUTH. Even with the drugs. They just kept me awake. When Beachy Mimi does not get sleep...she is Miserable. When BM is Miserable...things don't flow smoothly in this house.

Since I had No Sleep, I called the Parental Unit at the crack of dawn to see if she wanted to go eat breakfast at IHOP and run errands. PU LOVES IHOP. LOVES.

PU's Sunday School class (they call themselves "The Pairs and Spares") eat there together at least once a month with the preacher. He pretends to listen to their suggestions. But that is a whole other story. This is all about Me.

I got up, showered, fixed my hair and put on Makeup. Yes, I truly did. It has been so long since I have worn Makeup...I had a Baseline at my jaw. Tacky.

I go to the closet. I got some jeans out, the same size I always wear, and they WOULDN'T ZIP OR BUTTON. I pulled. I tugged. I lay on the bed and sucked in as hard as I could. Nope. Nada. No Zippo.

I was So Upset I refused to take them off ( I totally blame the drugs). So I got a big fat RUBBER BAND and ran it around the button, through the button hole and looped it back around the button for closure. Am I Classy? What was I thinking? Have I just lost it? A RUBBER BAND at the button hole? I was just so pi**** uh upset they wouldn't fit.

So like a hillbilly I WORE THEM THAT WAY ALL DAY. What was I trying to prove? That I am a stubborn idiot?

So, I pull on a sweater to cover up my handiwork and proceed to go to IHOP to eat breakfast. That really makes sense. I'm sure everyone could see my unzipped, rubber band STRAINING pants. I disgust myself.

PU and I ran many many errands and finally decided to get our "nose and tails" done
as the Princess used to call it (nails and toes).

Oh, I forgot to mention that I wore my new black Uggs today and that was another reason I didn't want to change out of my black jeans. Does it really matter if the jeans are black or regular blue jeans? I think not.

TOLD YOU THIS WAS LONG AND PAINFUL.

So, the nail place is a challenge on my best day. The girls are So Sweet...but Nosy. Very Nosy.

I walk in and Mary (nail tech) says, "You pants not zipped." Yep. She's right.
I hop in the chair and take off the New Black Uggs and my feet and ankles are BLACK.
As in dyed black from the shoes. Mary screams. I cuss. She scrubbs my feet until the water turns black. PU is snickering in the corner.

We eventually move to the nail desk where I start getting the third degree on my "boyfriend" that I don't have. Mary asks (again), "You live with Mama?" I remind her (again) that I live alone and have no boyfriend. She pats my hand in sympathy. I kinda cuss a little more in my head.

Mary proceeds to scold me about the state of my cuticles. What did she expect from a person with unzipped pants and black feet? She says I must dip them in hot wax.

Then she starts in about my eyebrows. They ALWAYS want to do something to my thicker (than theirs) eyebrows. I divert her to my upper lip instead. I disgust myself (again) that I have to get my lip waxed.

A total of THREE nail techs come over to discuss where to put the little cloth over the wax and just how hard they are supposed to yank it off. In Vietnamese. Rapidly. Loudly. I started to yank it myself since I have experience with the WAXING HARLOT. I'm an old pro. The girls decide who will yank and how hard and then it is over.

PU continues snickering at the nail drying table.

Next, Mary leads me to the hand wax dipper (OTHER FOR FOOT. NO USE!) and tells me to dip 3 times. Well...there is the biggest dead waxy horsefly (not housefly...HORSEFLY) already present in the wax.

I point to the fly. Mary shakes her head and says, "you dip".

I say, "There's a fly in the wax."

Mary says, "He dead. You dip."

I guess she thought that a person with rubber band fastened pants and black feet shouldn't be so picky. I decided she was right and I dipped. I may or may not have cussed a little under my breath as I did it.

We finally finished and left. PU was totally entertained the whole time. As we are getting in the car, I look up and ALL the nail techs are at the window watching us get in the car and all are talking at the same time. I guess it was a slow day.

I'm home now. Tomorrow I have to go present something to the Headmaster at the Princess' school.

None of my pants will fit over my too large self. The rubber band trick will not pass muster with her. It's already an embarassment that I'm even going to BE there.

The only sweater that fits has horizontal stripes. What was I thinking? Flat GIRLS can wear horizontal stripes, but NOT ginormous GIRLS.

I have to go shopping in the morning because I sat here all summer wearing knit and elastic and didn't realize MY CLOTHES DON'T FIT ME NOW. I am Seriously P**** Upset.

There are not many things worse than having to shop for a larger size.

This also creates a problem for my Thursday night event. But more on that later.

Did I mention that they left the wax on my lip so long it blistered? Yes. It Did.
Lovely.

I actually look worse than Oliver.

I may or may not still be cussing just a little bit.