I'm a Dental Cripple

I blogged earlier about my 4 hour torture session at the dentist. Well, they called me back the other day to come in to do some measuring. Measuring?

Okay. I'll go. This dental journey I'm on is going to be looong.

As most people, I really don't put the dentist visits up there with Things I Enjoy Doing. In fact, I'm ashamed to say I stretch my 6 month cleaning appointments to 7 months just to be rebellious. I'm a real rebel.

My teeth have always been so-so. By today's standard probably not so good, but by 1950's standard pretty much normal. One thing about it. THEY ARE LARGE. Our whole family has LARGE TEETH. They look like rabbit teeth when the first two permanents come in when we are children. VERY LARGE.

Back in my day, there weren't braces to correct bites or straighten or whatever. No one had the money to do that. Fortunately, my very large teeth were basically straight with no huge over-bite.

Then came pregnancy. Fourteen, yes 14 cavities.

As young married new parents, we had no dental insurance. I'm not even sure we had health insurance for awhile there. Therefore, I had to have dental work done as I could, over time, by many different dentists. In other words, we moved alot. Every dentist had his own way of handling this mess and the result, at mid-fifties, IS a mess. (Aren't you hearing the violins playing in the background?)

Since I want to eat and not gum my food for the next 50 years, I thought it time to correct the confusion once and for all, by one dentist, and have everything coordinate.

So, we measured. And measured. And did impressions. And more impressions. Can I say here that impression goo triggers the gag reflex?

As a result, my "midline" is off. (Always thought I was "off" a little bit. ha)
Everything else is "off" as a result of that. The computers and stuff they have now in the dental world are just amazing.

The computer classified me as a DENTAL CRIPPLE. Way to hurt my feelings. I have really tried. When one has LARGE TEETH you brush alot and keep them white.
BIG YELLOW TEETH. EWWWW. I think I just threw up a little bit.

The light at the end of this very long dental tunnel is that they will be permanently whitened!! Yay!! They will all be equally HUGE! yay I think.

I have temporaries on half my front teeth right now and they look pretty good.
However, one broke today (Saturday) and the dentist is in Las Vegas (and I know why he can go there. I'm just sayin'.)

I'm leaving with Parental Unit, Sibling, SIL and Mr. Random Integer for some Florida fun for about a week. Dentist won't be there.

When I return, some ladies (snort) from my high school years are having a get-together to remind ourselves that we once were cool, had cute legs, and pretty teeth.

We do this from time to time and it is a real ego booster!! Anyway, I will have to go as a DENTAL CRIPPLE because I get home on Friday night late and the shindig is Saturday. A front broken off temporary. On the FRONT of my VERY LARGE TEETH. I look a bit like Sadie from the Ozark hills.

I can make it if I don't smile. However, RULE OF NATURE--PEOPLE WITH LARGE TEETH HAVE VERY LARGE SMILES. Big. Really big. And, I laugh alot. Especially around these yahoos.

So, do I do the uncool thing and cover my mouth when I smile which is TOTALLY DORKY?
Try not to laugh, which will be IMPOSSIBLE? Not go and give them free reign to talk about me? NOT A CHANCE IN THIS LIFETIME...PARENTAL UNIT DIDN'T RAISE NO STUPID GIRL.

So, there really is no choice. I have to find a killer outfit. Shoes, purse, jewelry... the whole thing, as a diversion tactic. Peeps, I HAVE NO CHOICE. These women are VICIOUS. Maybe I can spike my hair extra pointy, but that would call attention to the face, hence, the tooth problem. Maybe a kickin' belt would be the best. Low cut blouse? THE GIRLS are spectacular, but totally lost with this bunch.
Three inch heels? I can barely walk in my flip-flops. Booties? Great jeans and top? Oh the PRESSURE.


So, I have four days to come up with the OUTFIT OF THE CENTURY while out-of-town and beachcombing.

Any and all suggestions about other diversionary tactics will be appreciated.

Mr. Random is going because there will be another giveaway tomorrow!!


Theresa said...

If it were me, I'd Crazy Glue the broken tooth on and worry about the dentist getting it unglued later.

Or I would try very hard not to smile.

You'll be just fine.

Capri K said...

From one huge toothed Gal to another, I SO feel your pain!!!!

Heather said...

I have all the faith in the world in you. If anyone can pull off the outfit of the century, it is YOU!

Dawn said...

Hey, I like Theresa's idea. Call the dentist's office and see if there's anything you can do... like crazy glue. Surely your dentist has someone covering for his for such a circumstance as this??

On a diversion: Have you thought about a whacky new hair color? You know, to keep their eyes up *there* instead of you know where?

a Tonggu Momma said...

I vote for the low-cut blouse. They'll be so busy with their judgmental thoughts, they'll forget about the tooth.

Oh, and I am also a Dental Nightmare. I suspect I might earn the classification of Dental Cripple in my later years. I avoid the dentist like the plague, mostly because every time I go I need oral surgery.

(If anyone ever tells you that you need periodontal surgery, cry. Just start crying right then and see if they'll change their minds.)

Susan said...

New here! Wendi sent me over.
This is a tough one. If you can't get the dentist to give you some solution as others have suggested, I would go with a low cut blouse or maybe a really cool hat so they would be too busy looking up or down or both.

Fuschia said...

As if your friends are going to care! I mean, really, they get to spend time with BEACHY MIMI, for Heaven's sake!!! Huge tooth gap or not, it's MIMI!

tam said...

Just give in and wear a harmonica around your neck and carry a banjo... laugh alot, and every once in a while "squeal like a pig". There will not be a soul to forget that evening.

Annie said...

I'd go with the girls as a diversionary tactic. Even if the girls don't appreciate your girls, they'll talk about how you can still parade 'em around.

Do Not use superglue, I had a friend do that and it ate their teeth and gums, uugghh.

My first dentist was a navy dentist in WWII. He had zero bedside manner, so I have a rebelious spirit when it comes to dentistry as well.

Queen B said...

Oh my word, Mother. Call me before yo purchase the outfit. I am so not kidding....

Lisa @ Take90West said...

I think a v-neck wrap around blouse with some dangly earrings would be a distraction from the teeth, but I'm sure it's not that bad! You are probably the only one paying attention!
Can't wait to hear what you come up with, good luck!

And have fun at the beach!

Edwina at The Picket Fence said...

I worked for a dentist for 10 years and not only do I feel your pain, I witnessed your pain. To give you a different illusion, you could get some of that lip enhancer, color them red, wear a tight low cut blouse and 5" heels and believe no one will notice your tooth, not even the Dentist....And stay away from the super glue (results not pretty).

The Inept Aspirant said...

I think we need some "Before" and "Afters" wink wink

Tracey said...


linda said...

My first thought was liquid paper but I don't think that will work. How do you feel about a gorgeous scarf draped around your neck and held in place with your teeth?

JenniferB said...

I'm sorry you're having the tooth issue -- hopefully your dentist will have a really good time in Vegas and not need to go back for a LONG time, 'cause seriously, your mouth is more important than his fun, right? (And doesn't he have to work for his paycheck once in a while?)

Tammy said...

Mimi, this post was too funny. I think if these gals are true friends won't mind that your "grill" is a bit jacked up! :-)

I mean, really, look where it got David Letterman?!

Wendi said...

I am rolling in the floor laughing at Linda's comment.
I love it.
I do think a photo of said tooth is necessary to help in the suggestion process.
I'm just sayin'.

KCAimee said...

I hear ya! With pregnancy, came 9 cavities, despite my diligent brushing and flossing efforts. It's genetic, I tell ya.

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