Getting Older is a Gas!

I have shared with you Peeps some of the...issues you will be facing as you age.
All these are a part of life and really not to be dreaded. It does help to be informed, however, so 1) it won't be such a shock to you when faced with your changing body, and, 2) a cruel reminder that you, in fact, ARE AGING.

Gravitational pulls, menopause, hormones,uncontrolled hair growth, achieving O's...all are topics we have addressed in the past. Probably some more I can't think of right now.

While here in my sickbed, I've had lots of time to meditate, ponder, study, think, pray and be consumed by more totally useless information that I feel I must pass to you. (PUN INTENDED)

One of the WORST signs of an aging body is...gas. Not the kind you pay $4 a gallon at the pump, but the kind your traitorous body manufactures.

Some Peeps have this worse than others, probably depending on diet and exercise, but I KNOW. I KNOW THE SECRETS, PEEPS. We ALL have it in some form.

Not having raised boys or be the grandmother of a boy, I was quite...unprepared for this untimely, deadly, embarassing and ever present need to pass it.

Kids do it and cackle. Men look at it like burping...the louder and bigger the better. As a teacher, I was aware of this in some form, but NEVER thought it would be applicable to me.

I'm not in the medical profession, not even a Health Educator from WalMart, so my information is based more on experiences of others and not scientific data or Google.

The digestive system slows somewhat as we get older. The body betrays...YES BETRAYS us at the worst possible moments.

Maybe some examples will help: you know you have a critical situation when you have to NAME them.

The first one I will call THE BOMB. It drops unexpectedly with one giant boom! The most terrifying thing about bombing is that you have NO CONTROL over when and where you drop it. You might or might not be walking across your office floor with all secretaries present when it happens. There is just not a lot of recovery from a BOMB. Your best bet it to just keep walking and hope that someone else there thinks THEY dropped it. Everybody just gets real busy and the whole thing gets ignored.

Church is another place where an attack can occur. Especially if you have been sitting for awhile. The second I will call THE AUTOMATIC RIFLE.
The worst thing about the RIFLE is the duration. It comes out with a POP-POP-POP-POP in a seemingly neverending series of several. They may have a silencer (that is, come and go quietly), but more than likely at least ONE will escape.

This little gift is also a surprise but if you are clever and aware you may be able to drop the hymnal, pop your knees or other appendage to camouflage the sound.

The third is the worst.THE TRUMPET. There is just hardly ANY recovery for THE TRUMPET. Your best bet is blame a child with you or look at your husband like "why did you do that?"

NEVER ADMIT TO A TRUMPET. Never let them see you sweat.

TRAVEL GAS, again, not at the pump, is also bad. If you are quick you may be able to walk around when you stop, fake bending (dangerous) and tying a shoelace or be the one who pumps the fuel into the vehicle. This buys you time to slip it out slowly without witnesses.

A Very Important Rule is YOU CAN NOT DO IT IN THE LADIES RESTROOM. Especially if someone else is in there with you. Ladies never admit or pass in front of other ladies in the restroom. It just isn't done unless you are Heathen or 2 years old.
TRAVEL GAS gives you a little more leeway and space if you play your cards right. And, if you can escape from your travel mates.

This one is...awful, terrible, horrible and funny at the same time. You married ladies know what I am talking about. It invariably happens at the most inopportune moment. You think you have it made and the husband has been so blinded with lust he didn't hear it. WRONG. You are busted. The longer you are married the less chance you have of escaping notice or comment. S*XY, huh! I guess we can name that COITUS COMBUSTUS. Talk about ruining a moment.

Well, I guess I have covered the basics.

I obviously need to get well FAST...before I think of something else.

Have a pleasant day!

32 comments:

tam said...

Oh no you did't!!! Queen is going to kill you. I don't think I have laughed that hard since the "O" story. Miss Beachy, you simply are too funny, please don't go away. Hope you get to feeling better.

a Tonggu Momma said...

Despite the Queen's probable and complete mortification at the moment, I can sincerely testify that you were absolutely supposed to write this post. I laughed until I cried, Beachy Mimi. After a week like mine, that was a very good thing indeed. Thank you.

antgama said...

How bad is it when I'm reading your list and I see ya missed one...
SBD(silent but deadly)It is a BAD one,all at once you are surrounded by well how to say this.....ODOR as in bring people to their knees odor....
ONLY good part(is there such a thing as a good fart)is that you can kinda blame it on anyone in your close area if ya know what I mean.....
You are so FREAKING funny !

kristen@nosmallthing said...

:) That third one, my husband calls that "crop dusting." You let it go nice and slow and just keep on moving...spread the stink around. Makes me laugh just thinking about it.

Oh, Beachy, you're always good for a laugh.

Hope you're feeling better soon. How's that $400 antibiotic working? Mine was only $15, and it's kicking this colds tail!!!

Jenny said...

This just made my morning. Too funny! I hope you are feeling better!

Lindsay said...

LOL!!!! Okay you need to come talk to the ladies at my office. I am only there 2 days a week and I think every week someone farts while I am in the bathroom! They obviously are heathens ;-)

Jen said...

Ok, Queen hasn't commented yet, so I will have to come back for sure!

This is something else they don't tell you about being pregnant. This hits exactly as you described. None are pleasant and all can be embarrassing!! Oh, and I second the SBD. This is what gets my husband out of the bed every morning (mine, not his!). I've never been a farter in front of people, but I just can't help it right now!

Alicia said...

There's never a dull moment with you, is there? :)

About following....when you visit my blog--or any other blogs you may be seeing...I mean reading. (I like to think that we have an open relationship. :) ) Simply click on "Follow This Blog" on the righthand side where it shows my followers.

Dawn said...

OMGoodness!!! I am laughing so hard! From the other room, my hubby yells, "Are you reading that funny woman's blog again?? Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!

You MUST be feeling better to have come up with all of this.

Blessings!

The (Almost) Amazing Mammarino said...

Unfortunately, I can't blame my issues on aging! My first week at college, a loud one escaped when I laughed really hard (in front of the entire woodwind section of the marching band). I was called "Windy" for 4 years - even by some of my professors!

cndymkr / jean said...

Are you sure you aren't a 12 year old boy? Cause except for the last type of gas, you could be my son.

Joan@More God=less me said...

You are a hoot! Only you would dare post about such thing. Since Queen hasn't commented maybe you should check to see that you haven't given her a coronary.

God Bless and get better soon.

Wendi said...

I can't stop laughing.
Sorry.
I looked for Queen B's comment...not one to be found.
She is apparently looking for a new mother.
*wink*

Peggy said...

Oh, My. Thanks for the good laugh. I haven't laughed so hard in awhile.

chickadee@afamiliarpath said...

so true. being pregnant i've experienced all that.

just the other day we were talking about older women in the car. my girls were asking why they all have short hair and did they have to have short hair or did it just not grow.

out of the blue milo asked, what happens when old people bend over.

i said, they toot.

linda said...

Beacy, you make my day. I've always been of the opinion that toots should be socially acceptable. Everybody does them, everybody pretends they don't. So let's just let 'em fly - "hey lady, that was a good one, I'll give it a 7".

Queen B said...

You are so over the limit. I hope our little "meeting" yesterday reminded you of your boundaries.

Didn't you just mention something about boundaries?

Learn. Them.

Your adoring daughter.

Meg in Tally said...

Wayyyy too funny! The worst part is that I can identify wayyyyy too much!

Have you ever had a ... ummm ... problem... at the grocery store and had to leave the area immediately? I always feel sorry for the next one heading down that aisle! LOL!!

Karen said...

Thank you for the good laugh...

Janel@Dandelion Dayz said...

Well, I now understand what B was talking about! Oh my - it was so funny! I will protest if she tries to pull any plug on you. I sooo needed this laugh today! Feel better soon!

Lisa @ Take90West said...

How did you come up with those names! So funny, especially the Trumpet!
I love your honesty...it makes your blog great!

Theresa said...

Too, too, funny. And where can I find the "O" story?

Mari said...

This, my dear Beachy Mimi, is why I love you! Boy you made my day. Blog on!!!

We are THAT Family said...

Oh.My. You just made me feel better about my poop post!

Tiff said...

OMG I'm laughing so hard I'm crying! Funniest post I've read in a long time...

linda (again) said...

I've always referred to the trumpet as the elephant. Same thing I think.

Fuschia said...

I am at a loss for words! :)

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious. My mom and I have discussed this problem.

Heather said...

Oh my. That last one got me. I think I may have early onset symptoms. Seriously. My mom (who is 53) warned me. It's the later- in- life facts talk.

Night sweats, gas, bloating, OH my!

Tammy said...

How in heaven's name did I EVER miss this post?!?!?!

I mean I have been SUPER busy but to have missed this is ridiculous. This is hilarious, BM!!

I guess we have something in common, I "pass gas" for a living. Heh heh. I am a nurse anesthetist.

I so wanted to make a t-shirt in anesthesia school that said, "Pass Gas or pass nothing at all" and my instructor muttered something about professionalism and nixed it.

Leah said...

My Mom would probably hate you (she HATES fart talk), but I think you're a toot..I mean hoot! teeheehee :) Keep posting!

Drama Mama said...

Funny Funny Funny-
Well not so funny if you are the gassy one- but funny in writing!