Getting Older is a Gas!

I have shared with you Peeps some of the...issues you will be facing as you age.
All these are a part of life and really not to be dreaded. It does help to be informed, however, so 1) it won't be such a shock to you when faced with your changing body, and, 2) a cruel reminder that you, in fact, ARE AGING.

Gravitational pulls, menopause, hormones,uncontrolled hair growth, achieving O's...all are topics we have addressed in the past. Probably some more I can't think of right now.

While here in my sickbed, I've had lots of time to meditate, ponder, study, think, pray and be consumed by more totally useless information that I feel I must pass to you. (PUN INTENDED)

One of the WORST signs of an aging body is...gas. Not the kind you pay $4 a gallon at the pump, but the kind your traitorous body manufactures.

Some Peeps have this worse than others, probably depending on diet and exercise, but I KNOW. I KNOW THE SECRETS, PEEPS. We ALL have it in some form.

Not having raised boys or be the grandmother of a boy, I was quite...unprepared for this untimely, deadly, embarassing and ever present need to pass it.

Kids do it and cackle. Men look at it like burping...the louder and bigger the better. As a teacher, I was aware of this in some form, but NEVER thought it would be applicable to me.

I'm not in the medical profession, not even a Health Educator from WalMart, so my information is based more on experiences of others and not scientific data or Google.

The digestive system slows somewhat as we get older. The body betrays...YES BETRAYS us at the worst possible moments.

Maybe some examples will help: you know you have a critical situation when you have to NAME them.

The first one I will call THE BOMB. It drops unexpectedly with one giant boom! The most terrifying thing about bombing is that you have NO CONTROL over when and where you drop it. You might or might not be walking across your office floor with all secretaries present when it happens. There is just not a lot of recovery from a BOMB. Your best bet it to just keep walking and hope that someone else there thinks THEY dropped it. Everybody just gets real busy and the whole thing gets ignored.

Church is another place where an attack can occur. Especially if you have been sitting for awhile. The second I will call THE AUTOMATIC RIFLE.
The worst thing about the RIFLE is the duration. It comes out with a POP-POP-POP-POP in a seemingly neverending series of several. They may have a silencer (that is, come and go quietly), but more than likely at least ONE will escape.

This little gift is also a surprise but if you are clever and aware you may be able to drop the hymnal, pop your knees or other appendage to camouflage the sound.

The third is the worst.THE TRUMPET. There is just hardly ANY recovery for THE TRUMPET. Your best bet is blame a child with you or look at your husband like "why did you do that?"

NEVER ADMIT TO A TRUMPET. Never let them see you sweat.

TRAVEL GAS, again, not at the pump, is also bad. If you are quick you may be able to walk around when you stop, fake bending (dangerous) and tying a shoelace or be the one who pumps the fuel into the vehicle. This buys you time to slip it out slowly without witnesses.

A Very Important Rule is YOU CAN NOT DO IT IN THE LADIES RESTROOM. Especially if someone else is in there with you. Ladies never admit or pass in front of other ladies in the restroom. It just isn't done unless you are Heathen or 2 years old.
TRAVEL GAS gives you a little more leeway and space if you play your cards right. And, if you can escape from your travel mates.

This one is...awful, terrible, horrible and funny at the same time. You married ladies know what I am talking about. It invariably happens at the most inopportune moment. You think you have it made and the husband has been so blinded with lust he didn't hear it. WRONG. You are busted. The longer you are married the less chance you have of escaping notice or comment. S*XY, huh! I guess we can name that COITUS COMBUSTUS. Talk about ruining a moment.

Well, I guess I have covered the basics.

I obviously need to get well FAST...before I think of something else.

Have a pleasant day!